The Style Invitational Week 897 Catch their drift
By The Empress
Friday, December 3, 2010; 1:59 PM
"Complete auto care starts with our
$17.99 oil change."
Plain English: "For only $17.99,
we'll tell you that you need new shocks, struts, brakes, exhaust system, valve
cover gaskets, water pump, CV joints, wiper blades and, of course, tires."
- Russ Taylor, Week 729 honorable
mention, 2007
People who talk to The
Washington Post, or advertise in The Washington Post, or occasionally even
write for The Washington Post, sometimes are a bit less than brutally honest
when they explain things. Sometimes it's willful obfuscation; sometime it's
just being civil. Bah to all that. Calling all brutes once again: Take any
sentence from an article or an ad in The Washington Post or washingtonpost.com
from Dec. 3 to Dec. 13 and translate it into "plain English," or
otherwise snarkily explain what it "really" means, as in the example
above from when we did this contest before.
Winner gets the Inker, the
official Style Invitational trophy. Second place gets - just in time to be too
late for Thanksgiving and Christmas - this dashing hat in the style of a turkey
carcass, modeled here by Rylan Gottron of Fort Washington.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt or yearned-for Loser Mug.
Honorable mentions get one of the lusted-after Style Invitational Loser
magnets. First offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air "freshener"
(Fir Stink for their First Ink). One prize per entrant per week. Send your
entries by e-mail to losers@washpost.com or by fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, Dec. 13. Put "Week 897" in the subject line of your e-mail,
or it risks being ignored as spam. Include your name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. Contests are judged on the basis of humor and
originality. All entries become the property of The Washington Post. Entries
may be edited for taste or content. Results to be published Jan. 1. No purchase
required for entry. Employees of The Washington Post, or their immediate
relatives, are not eligible for prizes. Pseudonymous entries will be
disqualified. The revised title for next week's results was submitted by Tom
Witte. The honorable-mentions subhead is by Kevin Dopart.
Report from Week 893, in which we asked you to write humorous stories of 25
words or fewer: Some of you were much looser than we were about what
constituted a story, sending in basically a bunch of one-liners that each
featured a pun or little observation. The Czar of The Style Invitational
(Ret.), after being shown these and some other entries, ever so haughtily
pronounced the top winners excellent but declared he could outdo the others in
five minutes. We leave that for you to decide: "She moaned, he gasped,
time stopped. Sinew met softness in that sweet, screamless surrender from which
new life arises, in this case Bernie Madoff."
The winner of the Inker
Hanoi, 1969: General Nguyen
asked the colonel, "How can we use the prisoner to defeat America from
within?" Ha replied, "I have an idea." -- "The Wasillan
Candidate" (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn)
2. the winner of the U.S.A.
vs. Commies play set: "The gimmick is that Bruce Willis is dead for the
whole movie."
"Oh, great, thanks a
lot. Well, I slept with your wife." (Jeff Brechlin, Eagan, Minn.)
3. Years after the senseless
tragedy that took her children's lives, she told her tale: "Captain
Sullenberger .?.?." Mother Goose began, to a chorus of boos. (Bruce
Harris, Scotch Plains, N.J, a First Offender)
4. He viewed the ad as a
challenge: Four hours -- nothing! Eventually his girlfriend called the Guinness
people. Days later, he called the doctor. (Vytas V. Vergeer, Washington)
More's the pithy: honorable mentions
"I know President Obama
would love my book," he thought. "But how can I get him a copy?"
(Fil Feit, Annandale)
. . . With One Stone While
his wife nagged, Abner prayed under the stars: Lord, remove wife and debt. A
meteorite killed her. It sold big on eBay. (Lawrence McGuire, Waldorf)
Leslie Johnson was puzzled
when Jack gave her a bra four sizes too large. Anyway, she'd really hoped for
an ankle bracelet. (Marleen May, Rockville)
No Joy in Melville Ricky
didn't mind detention this week. The assignment was to read "Bartleby the
Scrivener." He chose not to. (Frank Byrns, Laurel, a First Offender)
Samuel Adams urged on the
rebellious colonists as they threw the tea overboard. "A perfect
plan," he thought. "Now they'll drink more beer." (Harvey Smith,
McLean)
Janine had always been a
supporter of organic, cage-free practices. But this time her egg donor was not
getting away. (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
With Apologies to Fredric
Brown The last man on Earth sat alone in a room, playing his Xbox 360. He
ignored the knock on the door. (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
He told his wife that he was
working late. He actually was working late. D.C. can be so boring. (Harvey
Smith, McLean)
Short Story An event
transpired that created a problem. Conflict ensued for our hero. Eventually a
solution was found. Our hero grew from this experience. The end. (Dixon Wragg)
With his severed tongue now
in her hand, Oliver knew both of them would never say they're sorry. (Kevin
Dopart)
Let's see: Merkowski . . .
Murkofski . . . Murkowsky . . . Lisa? Liza? Before the Merkowski, or after it
with a comma? All caps, or lowercase? . . . God, it's cold . . .(Tom Murphy,
Bowie)
"Nobody loves a fat
girl," Becky lamented as the wagons moved up the snowy gap. - "Donner
Party Blues" (Jeff Brechlin)
Field Trip "Boys and
girls, this is the world's largest, best-preserved Gigantisaurus egg."
"Wow!" "Cool!" "Long ago - you have a question?"
"How come it's cracking?" (Nancy Israel, Bethesda)
"Your brownies are
delicious," Harry's co-worker said. "Beats stealing your lunch,"
another added. They all laughed. In four to six hours, Harry would laugh last.
(Lawrence McGuire)
Grandpa Phil Tells Us How He
Took Out the Trash That Day (A True Story) "I put it into designah
shopping bags with nice tissue paper . . . left 'em in a mall pahkin' lot . . .
an' sat in my cah. An' watched." (Daria Panichas, Philadelphia, a First
Offender)
"Stop flailing! I've got
your wrist and won't let go!" she shouted, frantic to pull him back
aboard."That's not my wrist!"(Elwood Fitzner, Valley City, N.D.)
November is National Novel
Writing Month: "I'll write the great American novel," he declares.
His goal: 50,000 words. Stops at 25. He gets published, though. (Ward Kay,
Vienna)
Next week: Look back in Inker, or Wry, wry again